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22.05.26 ⯀ 21.11.10 ⯀ 21.10.20 ⯀ 21.10.09 ⯀ 21.10.05 ⯀ Unknown Date
22.05.26
It's been a while since I've updated this place hasn't it? It's quite awkward to think about realizing I hadn't even posted the edited forms of some older blog posts I meant to put back at the beginning of making this place. Either way it's back to trying to put together stuff for this and hopefully now have a little bit easier time talking on it.
I do realize I should probably design a different way of doing blog posts? Having it all on one page might get super long super wild but I'm not quite sure another good way to do it. At least I have the jumps and the back to top button!
That's probably distracting from what I really should be talking about. I'm sure at least someone was wondering if having been gone meant I abandoned this place finding out I don't identify with Square or I was wrong and got things confused.
I can say with the most confidence. That is not the case. Having spent half a year away from the identity. Not touching it. Avoiding a lot of Square Enix products for the most part (kind of hard when they happen to be what I own and I still want to play games but I did touch them less). I made sure not to search the company, not touch my folders full of stuff. I for the most part kept myself far away from the company and the products made for the last six months and it didn't change a thing.
Being away from it all didn't cause any effect on my identity. It's as strong as ever if not stronger. I didn't find it fading. I still don't experience shifts away from Square I'm still always Square as my base. It just helped tell me I wasn't wrong for feeling a need to try and give myself spaces to accept and dive into this identity instead of pushing it away and hiding it like I did originally.
This is my identity at the end of it all and it isn't leaving. It's apart of me as odd as it is to many on the outside. And the importance of this identity I've found is bigger than I knew.
It feels awkward saying it, but this identity is beyond what I ever expected. I had vaguely mentioned this on my tumblr since it came up but I am one of those many-users-in-one-body. I just don't talk about it because it usually has nothing to do with Square and I want to keep everything purely about Square. As I always said.
It's now come to a point where it does involve Square in a way I never expected until I learned more about what 'I' was. Square seems to be a trauma-based, metaphysical, representation of 'me' before I even knew 'me' was 'me'. Everything about 'me' parallels perfectly into Square and Square's experiences except through this proxy of a universe where companies are named after oracles that connect to and explain the stories of all the characters and their lived experiences within their properties.
It's the weirdest thing to have realized. When suddenly I knew more of what 'I' was and could start to see that Square almost was like an identity that was trying to help me through trauma I didn't even get about who 'I' am until much later. A perfect representation in my face before I had any idea. It was like this weird analogy mirror but the analogy it was there for didn't even occur yet.
I've asked before and wondered, since it's such a common question in otherkind spaces. Is your identity psychological? Spiritual? Something else? I had no answer. I tried to but nothing seemed to make sense. Now knowing more it feels like it makes even less.
It can't be psychological since the mind didn't even have anything to process to create this identity as it stands at the time it developed and I noticed it. There was no trauma yet (specifically the trauma it seems to be an analogy for). There was no way to mentally have realized the details to create it. The mind is powerful but it isn't magic. It isn't that good.
It also can't be spiritual, it never did feel spiritual, at least not to the 'spiritual' that is used most often as the definition in these communities.
I know I talked and do talk of worlds, of Square, of Konami, Square's date, all these people the experiences. I have direct knowledge of so much. It never felt like it really was something that existed elsewhere I was grabbing at. Like a parallel life or something and I don't believe in me specifically having past lives. There was nothing spiritual that felt right. Even when trying to touch it with a spiritual lense everything felt so very wrong.
Like for just curiosity I was going to tempt to do a soulbond with the Sephiroth I remember. I couldn't. It wasn't that I couldn't get it to work. It felt inherently wrong. I was trying to soulbond with someone who wasn't in another universe. Even as someone who believed in the multiverse, it wasn't something real. It always did have that feeling too. It wasn't something real, but it wasn't something my brain 'made up'.
And just like a month ago it all sort of just went together. This identity I can accept is metaphysical in some manner. It seems to have connects to a trauma that would hit later than when it was noticed yet be so perfectly one to one it also makes it possible to be used as a guiding post through it. And here is where I mean spiritual but not how it usually is. It's not my soul's shape. It's not a past, parallel, future life. It's not spiritual or mental imprinting.
At the end of it. I feel like this identity was given to me because of the trauma I was about to go through, to prepare and protect me and give me something to guide me through it, to get handle things better. To better be able to jump back from everything. So I can understand the issues I'd about to go through and be able to come out okay. It just took me too long to realize that so it wasn't as helpful as it could. Though I am using it now as best I can since realizing this fact. It's the main reason I wanted to finally come back in the first place.
This identity was given to me by someone, probably from home, my home before this place. Someone aware of what I was going to realize. The trauma that would hit when it did. When the false memories, the confusion, the stress, the pain, the anxiety, the inadequacies, when everything hits. And it did hit. It was to be there to look after me.
This identity is spiritual or metaphysical based. An identity that was given to me. Do I know who gave it to me? I have a couple ideas. Am I certain? No. I have no way to be certain just yet. The wounds are too wet, too fresh to tell. Through time? Probably. More than likely. I might be already right who it was. He did always have a history of trying to look out for me and since he is an analogy of Sephiroth in my life. I would not be surprised, with that push to always have him near. To always have him close. So many of the memories that are comforting are to do with Sehiroth. If it was who I am thinking it was, he would do that.
I feel like I should go back through this, rewrite some bits, fix things up. I got a bit lost, a bit emotional writing it. I think it might be a bit confusing because I sort of counteraction myself without explaining things until later but I'm not going to.
I think, for something like this. The raw feeling of coming back and talking and finally putting to words what I've been thinking and feeling and experiencing since leaving it all is more important to keep in tact. Maybe make another post later that's a bit cleaner and easier and more summed up.
But for now? That raw feeling could be so important to look back on later. That genuine me trying to figure out how to put it all down to explain all the emotions that have been building up. The metadigital tears and emotion on the page for anyone who happens to read it.
So that's, uh, this update all typed up and set to go. Thanks anyone who puts up with my rambling and reads this. Hope you're having a good day. Going to go off to try to figure out what to write for tumblr now. Not going to post this there. Maybe a cleaner neater version of this can go there?
Oh right before I left I also ended up making a pillowfort. Hadn't even gotten to use it yet because of the timing.
I was also tempted to try to figure out how to make make a page to help show relationships between everyone or just a place to post my shit doodles I make in connection to Square. Just this big gallery of trash. I did want to figure out what to do with the other page tabs and to find out what more I could add.
I never did make an actual about page I don't think either? I could try that. I'm not sure. Never know what to write on those. I guess just more detail on Square. That sounds like it'd just be the relationship page. Then again Square has enough relationships it could be separate sure maybe. Now I've gone lost the plot calming down from the emotional high.
Until later.
21.11.10
I was meaning to have the next blog post on here be about the stuff I mentioned last time but didn't feel up to trying to explain and get more into since it wasn't the topic of discussion. That doesn't seem to be happening.
I never did figure out a good way to explain that, the outfit thing, but the other thing I hinted at will be brought up this time so at least something is sort of as intended. Though it is not coming up in the way I intended it to be.
I didn't intend the next post to be a spiral into questioning and wondering where I fit and if there will ever be a place of acceptance for someone like me with an identity like this.
There's been some talk about conceptkin and technically more so Archetype identities and the conversations of course was something I ended up reading over and wanting to get involved in, if not secretly, because of my identity of Square Enix. This conversations and dives I read has more enforced a questioning of what exactly this kintype of mine even counts as.
Before when someone questioned for me about the concept of having a kintype of a company there was mocking questions, there was 'sounds like conceptkin', there was this aura of 'that is so far out there it's hard to even think of it as real' around a lot of the responses. That's what drove me to create this site to try not to fully suppress a part of me but also feel safe in exploring it.
Now though, conceptkin seems to be very wrong based on how people talk of what it means or how people explore it in contrast to Square Enix. Concepts are, well, concepts. Square Enix is a company but is a personification of that company but also as I hinted at before; a person. Square Enix is a person. Square Enix has a social life. Square Enix has dates and a partner. Square Enix has different outfits that promote and connect to the different sub parts of the company or their products. Square Enix does odd jobs and actions to promote the stuff being put out there. Square Enix goes around as the people behind the company asks. Promote this, do this, sell this, and Square Enix does it. Doesn't always like it, but does it. Square Enix gets proud of things doing well and get sad when things fail. When stuff goes bad Square Enix not the people behind it gets hurt. It's a risky game a risky life.
I have detailed knowledge of Square Enix's home and I've been noticing vocal tics of theirs and.. I feel a lot more like someone who has a kintype of a person from a fictional media than a conceptkin when you actually look at what I know and experience.
But Square Enix isn't a fictional character and isn't from fiction. The versions of Square Enix from fictional media I use as placeholders but as I said, not my kintype and often quite wrong. Just a comforting placeholder.
So this blog post is going now from that rant to talking a bit more of that world of theirs in maybe someone might read this and can help me out. I don't know. I just wish I could be truthful about this. Square Enix and one other kintype of mine are my biggest connections and affect me the most and instead I just shut up and talk about the lesser ones usually. But as I said, time to ramble about their world a bit more.
In this world of Square Enix some of the characters are real people. It is like a middle between 'characters are actors' alternative universes you might see people write and the worlds in the games are real. It's more like a based on a true story and some of the actors are playing the roles they had in the real event. I think that's the best way to put it.
I mostly get that feeling because I have weird knowledge of someone hating Square Enix and beating them up on the street for this 'bad plot point' in a Final Fantasy game and their response as they just cover their face and head for safety "I can't do anything about it, that was what actually happened. I'm not in charge of the games anyway I just market and deliver them!"
I know my own personal fears of putting stuff out there and getting hate is from this kintype I can be sure of that. It all stems to memories of the flops, the drops, the attacks they got making me fear the worst but also seeing the praise and happiness they got when things did well make me still want to try.
Square lives in a very traditional Japanese style mansion. Though they didn't used to; but after becoming Square Enix and becoming the company group that was the property that was gained. Before it was a very small humble one room house. Though they don't live on the property alone either. I still haven't 'recalled' the names of a good amount of the people who live there but NitroPlus, Type-Moon, and GRIN are three I know for certain as well as a lot of temporary people stay for short times, often to help with market and deliver certain products before they go back to their own homes.
In this world Square Enix is, sure, a biggish company, but is still overwhelmed by the obvious company Nintendo, and a few others that, again, I still haven't quite realized. Companies trying to market and deliver products for the people who work behind them that they don't have much control over but try to handle it. Wanting the best for the costumer but not able to help if their people decide to be jerks. They try but what can they do in the long run? They are one person. They are not the people behind the company just the company's living image.
It's sort of like idols when you think about it. Always meant to put on a face but being more than a face in reality through that face is often trapped by their producers and contract holders.
I think I'm going to end this here for now and try to say more later. I think talking so much in detail and thinking and getting into Square Enix's world is getting heavy on me. Maybe more later. I wish it was more acceptable to be this and getting into their head. I would love that.
21.10.20
It has been a while since I have made an entry on this site. Sometimes finding the words on what you want to say doesn't come when you want to say it and instead comes when you are trying to play a game you just got and were just starting to get into it and something hits you in the face and tells you to pull out the internet it's time to make a blog post even while you continue to try to game!
I am both annoyed and over joyed. I wanted to post more, kept forgetting I already had some stuff to post I just have to get it up, and now I got something. Just it is not when I want to do it.
There is some stuff I feel like I'm learning because of the game that I half expected but also half did not. Like the differences between what I connect to and what the humans who control Square Enix do with it.
I'm going to get straight to it, I am not like the people behind Square Enix, or many fans as I see it. Please stop with all the chocobo. I do not care about the chocobo other than I am glad it exists and I like seeing it show up but why does it have to be such a central framed character and symbol of Square Enix; Final Fantasy side? Moogles I'm all for and need more of them. Give me more Moogles. Chocobo? Replace them with the better 'bird' Mandragora please and thank you.
This is the most silly and random rant I probably could ever make and it's the reason I ended up making a post. A sudden realisation of just how much I do not care about and prefer not to have chocobo everywhere and here we are.
I don't know what it is; but it is a sort of genuine feeling of being held back by them. Final Fantasy over all as some of the most amazing creatures and it's the fantasy chicken that is one of the most big. I sob.
Again, silly and random rant but sometimes identity has silly and random bits and that's alright. Making it always the most serious stuff isn't the best thing to do. Laid back moments are important too and feeling this reaction to them. Being so disappointed they are pushed so much and all these other creatures are left aside makes me feel such sadness that it helps connect with my identity and help me feel it is really there even more.
Being Square Enix is the most weird and confusing identity to most; I'm certain it is. Especially the idea of even knowing to question it in the first place. I get that, but actually being here feeling it and seeing the tugs, feeling the warmth, it is all too real to ignore even if it is hard to explain or validate from people outside this experience.
It'll be a hard thing to deal with. I may never be open about this identity outside of this web site, though I would like for that to change. That maybe me blogging about it might open people to accepting some more weirder ways identity can form so I can, so others who might be hiding can.
This isn't going to be some miracle, but in a community like this talking and blogging about your experiences is how things get seen. It's how people learn and know and ask questions. It's how people grow to accept or question what they didn't.
And I'll use this as a way to introduce people to a kintype that is not quite acceptable and not in a way expected and that is okay.
That does remind me. I have been meaning to try to work again on some of the 'shapes' that I feel Square Enix has. There's a few 'bodies' that I feel when connected most to Square.
It doesn't feel like Final Fantasy SE vs Dragon Quest SE, though there is this feeling of a costume being warn when supporting or promoting one franise over another. Like I keep feeling a dragon's pelt hooded cape when touching Dragon Quest stuff it's so weird.
What the actual physical forms are and how they work I can't really explain it yet. I just know they are there and the shifts they give are very different yet I know it's Square each time.
I also have been lately having weird knowledge of experiences that don't make much sense. I don't know how to dive down them. They really make me question how to best explore this identity however and how to explain it. I do not know the source but when this was compared by someone as similar to Hetalia I am starting to more and more relate.
Maybe I'll touch more on that in the future but for now I think I rambled enough.
21.10.09
This is the first blog post on the site directly. It's a very odd thing to think about. Creating a site and blogging on it like I heard they used to in the old days. I never was apart of the culture but I can see the power in it.
Today marks the beginning of this site I'm building for myself. It's not really a fansite, though once I get it more and more set up and running it'll probably look like one. I might end up posting updates on the latest releases from Square Enix or whatever happens and just ramble and blog and post things; but again this is not really a fan site. It'll probably look and work like one, but this isn't a fan site.
The fact I'm delaying just proves to me how important it is I made this space. Something safe for me. Something that can protect me yet I can be open and free on. A space for myself to thrive and to mark my journey through an experience that I don't know anyone else has gone through. Which is my journey to learning about my identity and working into self acceptance.
I really must be a writer with how often I draw things out to avoid saying the obvious. To do it in a space designed for it as well! What a fool. This is my otherkind space for the journey in my connection to Square Enix.
Yes, the company.
To put all the information out there for those who may have come across this space by chance and do not know. Otherkin or otherkind, both spellings mean the same thing but the d version is older, is a term for those who identify as something non-human in some way, shape, or form. The identity is apart of whom they are. Most commonly are known the ones who have identities that are animals, but there are others that are plants, creatures from fiction or mythology, or even people who only exist in stories.
These identities can have any reason for existanting from spiritual to psychological to others and even within those groups there are many sub types and explainations.
There is also those, closer to what this would be called conceptkin. People who's identity is based around a concept. I don't know a lot about this subtype myself even though I fall under it but I know song based identities are sort of common as an example. In this case the concept of the company Square Enix is what builds together to create apart of my identity.
Similar to how, I hear, Hetalia creates personifications of the countries in the source. So Japan in Hetalia is a sum up of a lot of the history and parts of what makes Japan waht it is, but isn't quite Japan itself. That is kind of what I mean when I say my identity is Square Enix. It's a humanoid, personification of aspects and the history of the company in an incomplete but reconisable form.
This is why S-Sha is the face of this site currently. S-Sha is a character from Hyperdimension Neptunia that was designed to represent Square Enix. She is a humanoid personification based on aspects of the company put together. Some aspects were ignored because other characters in the source represented them. For example Estelle who reprsents the franchise Dragon Quest.
The concept of making humanoid personifications of companies is extremely common in Japan, but some forms of it are done in the West as well. For example the game sort of recently released that let you date mascots of fast food companies. They aren't the company but do represent it and are an identity for the company.
This is probably getting away from me. I'm not sure what I said or haven't said and back reading isn't quite working. So I will simply continue to my own identity.
I use S-Sha because she is one of the closest proxies I have for how Square Enix feels and looks for me. The company does have a very specific shape to my eyes and as you'll see in the future as I post some clips of old blog posts I made elsewhere; it was a ride to even find out about S-Sha's existance and that the shape was a thing I knew very specifically.
The personality is one of the major things that I take as wrong. The shape is close but off, the personality is completely wrong. There were things that just felt flat out missing when looking at her and exploring her. It's part of what cements to me that I could not be and am not S-Sha. I did question it for a moment, but it wasn't something that even clicked naturally. It was a forced questioning of myself. I was drawn. I was connected. I was not her. She was wrong. She was close, but she was wrong.
There is no easy way to explain it to someone else how that feels. It's, hm, the closest I can explain is like seeing a picture that someone edited. That should be you in the picture but your hair was changed, your eye color, maybe you were made fatter or skinner in the edit. Maybe even given wings or any random traits that weren't you even though under it all it was a picture of you. You'd never really click that yeah that's still me it'd be 'yeah but.. it's not me anymore'. That's the best I can think to explain.
I could see Square Enix. I could see bits of where it started and then it was the Final Fantasy make over edit version. It had nothing else of the company but FF. It didn't have the personality of the company. It felt like Square Enix's tsundere younger brother trying to look hip. Okay that sounds weird but it explains why I'm at least not hateful of it. It's an edit where you look wrong but at least you look wrong but in a really cool way.
Though speaking about this all I know there's going to be that question, since I mentioned it. If this is my kintype; what is the source of it? Is it spiritual? Is it psychological?
Good question. I'm-- not quite sure yet.
This is another reason why I wanted to make this place. So I can talk about my ideas and feelings and then easily look back on them and see what ends up sticking and what ends up changing to be wrong. This identity is a long time in the running so I have a lot of thoughts to put down or translate over here from notes I've taken in random places. Once I get them all here it'll be amazing to see if there's anything that lines up.
As a legit answer to the time I'm posting this and making this site? Possibly a mix. Part of me thinks there is some strands of psychological imprinting based a bit in most of the original signs I found of this identity that started the track were all around heavy trauma; but I don't think it's that alone. That maybe something spiritual or more philosophical is happening along side it. I'm honestly not sure yet. It's not something I've been able to fully look into as much as I want because I've been trying to ignore it or hide it. Repress the weird thing that might make me be hated even if it is an important thing that makes me what I am today.
21.10.05
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this space is square-sha, a space to be safetly be square and safetly explore square and the path to accepting square. S-sha is temporary proxy.
More information will later be placed on a page for those who want a more direct answer.
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disclaimers
squaresha © Tenma Yukari
design by almost sweet ☂ — resources
SquareEnix name, brand, and images © Square Enix Holdings Co., Ltd.
S-Sha name and images © Hyperdimension Neptunia.